I think the night before last night was easily one of the best I've ever experienced. Some names I'll change, don't want anyone to get in trouble, but this is pretty much how it went down. (WALL OF TEXT WARNING, second to last paragraph explains pretty much why it was so amazing).

  Many, Chris, their friend Billy and I hung out around the Village and Chinatown.  Drinking Bawls, playing DDR, and being losers.  Chris and Billy leave and Manny and I call up my favorite teacher from my highschool and ask if he wants to chill (we'll call him J for now).  He tells us later on, so we kill time till 11 30 and head over to his place.

  As I enter the apartment I'm amazed with how unsurprising it was.   It was exactly what I wouldve expected from him.  Five minutes in J offers us a beer, I gladly accept. 

  Now let me roll off topic for a second.  I use to despise beer.  But lately my mother, my fantastic never wrong mother, has been drinking me up every time she decides to get blasted.  Which is often. But I'm in my last year of being considered a minor, so I suppose its not exaactly as fucked up as it would be if she handed me one if I was thirteen.  When I was younger (around 14) I couldn't take a sip of beer without gagging.  Now, having gotten use to the taste, I can understand why people have one beer with dinner.  Why people drink it like any other drink.  I enjoy it.

So we're there drinking, making small talk, and he says as his neighbor knocks on his window (they have a balcony that extends to both apartments) "we're just gonna go out and smoke some pot, you in?"  And of course I am.  We smopke, we're chill.  Everyone starts getting a little silly, but I realize that since I've been smoking a bowl every night for the past two months it takes a lot more to get me blasted than someone who didn't smoke regularly.  I've never smoked witrh Manny, so seeing him like that was entertaining.  He was swaying his head back and forth, telling me to go along with him.  Ted shows up, he brings these ravey lights that are in two sacks.   They change every couple of seconds to another color. Incredibly trippy.  J turns on some STP, I'm digging it, and Art School Girlfriend plays.  J takes the two lights, closes his eyes, and starts rubbing it all over his face, completely drowned by the music.  Afterwards he hands us the lights and says "It was like a virtual teabag!"  I couldn't stop myself from laughing.  I was hit by the realization that this guy, this guy tripping next to me is my teacher.  Someone I was fucking scared of, someone who in less than a month with become and authority figure.  And the level of amzing was too great for me, I thought I'd explode.  J and I go out on the balcony, smoke a cigarette, and talk about music.  He was certainly cool before that night, but after talking about STP, Gorillaz, Damon Albarn, the white stripes and DMB, he definitly rised up on the cool meter.  He was acting out like any one of my friends.  But I had to keep on reminding myself who he was, and it was surreal. 

Anyway, Manny and I left his place close to four in the morning, wasted, and almost falling over eachother. Manny walks me home, before I open the door he closed in for a quick make out session...

...And for the first time I didn't like it.  Other times when we hooked up and did whatever we did, I wanted him so badly.  My whole body would yearn for his touch, and now I just didn't want him.  So I took a tic tac to get the taste out of my mouth, and collapsed on my couch. 

This may be the first night like this, but it is DEFINITLY not the last (except for the whole make out thing...that was the last).  Besides, I'm much more into Chris anyway.

  Aeva has been babbling away all day.  If its not "Byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebaaaaaaaiiiiiyeeeee" then its "Dekudekudekudekudekudek!"   It's adorable.  Lets me know she'll be talking soon.  She already knows Dada, Mama (sometimes), hi and bye.  Her birthday is approaching.  September 1st.  I'm planning a Backyardigans themed party.  The whole fams'll be here.  I can't believe her first birthday is already coming up, it feels like I gave birth to her yesturday.  And still, shes as beautiful as ever.  I can't walk down the block without getting comments on how beautiful my baby is.  Perfection in an itty bitty form form. 
  In my love life, I don't know.  I'm still single.  I've been spending time with Jedi, and I'm starting to like him again.  I'm stopping myself before it gets any further.  I've already had bad experiences with that kid.  Freshman year, I liked him.  We hung out every day, best buds, the whole nine yards.  However, the whole time he was obsessed with this chick who was a friend of mine, and who he was trying to forget (but kept on getting dragged into).  So one afternoon I told him I liked him.  And what happened?  We stopped talking.  For about a year and a half we stopped talking.  What was I suppose to feel after spending so much time around him?  But anyway, I can feel those old feelings rising up, and I'm pushing them down with all my might.  I know damn well I couldn't put myself through that again.
I'm sure I'll find someone.  Everyone told me "once you have a baby, men'll be running away from you."  This, i've found, is anything but true.  I think, for now, I'll just be enjoying the rest of the summer, and not worry about who likes me, or who doesn't.  Who has time for that anyway?
  
I leave you all with pictures. One of my little girlie, and one of myself.

 

 

  Poor Aeva Zen is sick. My dear baby.  She had a fever of 103 yesturday, and I rushed to the hospital.  Apparently she has a small virus, and needs to take some tylenol and motrin for awhile.  For the most part, today she's been great.  Laughing and playing as usual.  there are rare parts when her fever acts up, but her (being the strong girl shes always been) only cries a bit.  She's perfect, in every way.   

  As for me, I don't know.  I drove this one kid crazy.  One of my exes, Joe, has completely lost his mind.  And it only really started happening once I broke up with him.  I knew, from the instant I said I would date him, that he would become obssesive.  Now, everytime I get online his status message has something involving me.  He's talking like he's gone insane, and he doesn't know what to do with himself anymore.  Can I say I pity him? Not quite.  He was driving me crazy when I was with him.  I'd get a call almost every five minutes.  Insanity in its weirdest. 
  In Queens, where I use to live, my other ex, Eric, and I were getting very close to rekindling our relationship.  But I just can't do it.  I don't feel 100% comfortable around him.  He's fake, the majority of the time.  When he's around our other friends, he acts big and very Leader Of The Packish.  However, when it's just him and I he gets sensitive, emotional, more human.  I can't deal with people who are full of shit anymore.  If you're big and bad, be big and bad, but if you're not, then learn to be okay with it.  Learn to accept yourself for who you are.  Because eventually someones going to catch onto the bullshit going around.  
  
Thats all for today.

  Okay, so lets get this thing really up and running, shall we?

  My name is Sam.  I live in Manhattan, the greatest place in the world.  I don't plan on starting a life anywhere else but here.  I'm currently seventeen years old.  I've been dating a great boy, Milo, for a little over two years now.  I'm a teenage mother, and with that has come many opinions of me that are everything but true.  A teenage mother is often seen as unintelligent, unsuccessful,  and immature.  I would like to say that I have not lived up to all of those.  However, as a person, I have made mistakes, I am still making mistakes.  I'm a regular pot smoker, and I can say that despite my smoking I have still managed to be a fantastic mother.  I give my daughter all she needs and more.  Showing her unconditional love is my top priority. 
  I grew up in an incredibly unstable family.  My mother was an alcoholic, and a cocaine addict who was struggling with her own mental problems that I was never able to put a name to.  She started out with physical abuse, and over the years dulled down to verbal.  I loved my mother, despite her outburst.  I wanted nothing more than to make myself the best daughter possible, so maybe she wouldn't need to drink.  I wanted to help her, and in the end felt like there was something wrong with me.  That I wasn't good enough, and she was doing it all because I was a "bad kid."  Eventually, as I grew older, the love grew to an extreme hate.  That hate has never gone away.  And even now, being disowned and living on my own, not seeing my mother, I have nothing but hatred for her.  I don't wish harm upon her, I feel as though the life shes not living is enough pain for her to have to deal with, shes done all the work for me.
  My father never saw me nearly as much as he should have.  He would ditch his weekend visits because of a football game, or a few buddies at a bar.  He now thinks of me as a complete failure and also doesn't want much to do with me.  Which is fine, since I gave up on him years ago.  In short, my father was nothing more than a fake.  An idiot dressed up in a suit.  My father use to be my best friend.  But that was long ago.
  I've had many boys (and girls) in my life.  I've been hit, I've been yelled at, I've been put down in more ways than any woman should have to deal with.  Meanwhile, in my head, over the years I was dealing with a self mutilation problem (cutting and burning), anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism,and a growing insanity.  All those (with the exception of the insanity) faded away.  I hate the person I was.  I hated the drama.  I realized that all I needed to do was simple: STOP IT.  Anorexia wasn't a DISEASE, as many had told me.  CUTTING was something I could simply STOP.  And after mustering up all the willpower I had, I did.  I haven't cut since, and I eat, at times more than any person should.  True, I still enjoy a beer or a shot with some friends, but I don't crave it.
  Currently, I'm in a relationship with a great boy, Milo.
  Well...an okay guy.
  A decent guy.
  A Guy.

  The other night, we were in a physical fight. I was throwing punches, having been in a horrible mood.  He let me do as I wished, he knew he deserved it.  Then, as I was holding onto his hair BOOM, he launched his head into my ribs, causing me to end up on the floor crying, screaming in agony, and not able to move without crawling.  My ribs, even know, ache.  He promised me he would treat me like a queen now, but as failed to do so.  And theres times that I'll stare at him and hatred will rear its ugly head.  We've been through some amazing battles, and each is making me love him less and less.  At this point I don't know if we'll make it.  We've been together for over two years now, and the good times were the greatest I've had in my life, but I can't have another mental breakdown and expect to live through it. 

  Mentally, I'm all over the place.  Theres days I can't even speak and make sense.  I know, deep down in my soul somewhere, that I may need help for this.  I get lost in my head sometimes.  One minute I'll be fine, the next I'll feel so...different.   So Out There.  It's taken such a hold on my life.

  Theres more to me, so much more, but I'm not writing a book here. Not yet.

I just need to let things out.  Things I wouldn't be able to say otherwise.  So come to read and be entertained at the life I lead, it's a circus.  And the tickets are free.

  I made this livejournal in complete secrecy.  No one I know in real like should ever come across it.  I have a lot to say, and no where private enough to say it.

  I'm living with my childs father now (I'll explain the major points of my life in detail in a later entry so you,The Reader, will be able to understand names places and such) and I feel...I don't know. I feel odd. I feel horrible.  I don't completely feel the way I use to about this guy. 
  I can't deny that I love him and that I'm in love with him to some extent, but as much as I was at one time, I can't be sure.  I'm afraid I'm using him for a place to stay, since I haven't another place to go.  This thought will be erased from my mind by tomorrow morning. It comes and goes as it pleases.  Also, I feel so horrible, so wrong.  I've been having this dreams about one of his older brothers lately, almost every night.  Now, I feel odd when hes around, like I can't look him dead in the eyes anymore. To be blunt about it, I've developed a small crush on him.  Now, this wouldn't be so horrible if it wasn't for the fact that he's my guys brother, and everything that I would usually find unattractive in a man.  So what is it exactly? I don't know.  But I need to get rid of it before it makes my stay here any more awkward. 

  I hope this journal brings me the listening ear I've been searching for for some time now, whether it's being actually read or whether I have to imagine that it is.